Chapter Eighty-One: Deviation from the route

KL doesn’t feel like KL.
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Time was not a factor, time was nothing. The familial smile that has etched an indelible mark on my heart, the warmth of our embrace, and the saccharine voice of yours served to inundate me with the most authentic of feelings, one I had not felt ever since you left and the feeling that was the closest to the one thing that I felt for you- love.

While I was writing your letter, categorizing it, finding words to say, crafting my stanzas, the notions of getting back together crossed my mind many times. Like an intersection, the yes and nos flowed endlessly but I knew deep in my heart that yes, it would never happen again. First loves are truly irreplaceable just like you are.

I wish there were ways for us to reminisce without the emotional constraint, and for us to look into each others eyes and tell each other: “I love you. Thank you.”

I could never bring myself to say that because I would have crumpled infront of you, turning my head away so that you would not see my tears. So now, as I sit infront of a 15-inch screen, I say, “I love you. Thank you.”

Whatever you see in this mail is what you see, and I thank God that you do not see the emotional duress that I have undertaken in crafting this mail for you. What the eyes don’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve over.

When your mother was arriving at Abygail’s place I found myself wishing time wouldn’t move, wishing that I could stay there talking with you and the rest of them as if you weren’t going to leave at all. As abruptly as I got news of your arrival, your mother arrived to fetch you ‘home’. I say ‘home’ because your heart is in Singapore, the threads that have sewn it are indestructible.

And then you were going. Truthfully, being the emotional lovesick fool that I am I thought that I would have the time to tell you everything, to read to you what I had written for you and walk you home in the night but alas, lovesick fools only command nonsensical endings. I had to hug you and say goodbye all in the matter of five minutes.

I wish I had more.

God had taken 2 years of what could have been the most fulfilling years of my life only to give me back less than 2 days. I never got to spend enough time with you even when you were in Singapore.

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One of the few times I can forget about school and emote what I want to emote for someone I truly care for.

For certain people I know that yes, maybe I say oh she’s pretty, oh she’s nice, oh she’s cute and whatever bullshit I spout, you shouldn’t reciprocate and spout bullshit as well. Comments are comments and I have no emotional feelings for any of them.

I may seem like I stalk people but ask yourself, what for? Why would anyone tail someone? I do not wish to get anything out of it, nor will I get anything out of it. I wish you would understand, that no one can be put in the steed of E.